10 Things Not to Say to Someone with an Eating Disorder

Do you know someone with an eating disorder or perhaps suspect that someone you know may be struggling? Do you want to help but feel unsure about what to do or say? You may notice changes that feel concerning, confusing, or out of character-and find yourself wondering how best to support them.

If this feels familiar, it may be a sign that this person is struggling with their relationship with food or their body.

Eating disorders are complex mental illnesses that exist on a large spectrum. While there is the “textbook definition” of eating disorders, the reality is, not all eating disorders get formally diagnosed, nor do they all match up perfectly to the criteria which defines the diagnosis. Most eating disorders don’t look like the somewhat glorified versions of ED that you see on tv (you know, the starkly thin, young white female). If you don’t work in the field of eating disorders, or haven’t suffered from one yourself, they can be very difficult to recognize or comprehend.

People with eating disorders can’t just “eat normally”, as there is an immense cognitive dissonance occurring. They cannot escape food, because it is necessary for survival, yet it is both their obsession and worst enemy. They are likely acutely preoccupied with their body size, hyper-aware of how their body looks in clothes, their weight, or if people are watching them eat. It can be a very traumatic experience, causing intense physical and emotional distress.As we explore things that can be unhelpful to say to someone with an eating disorder, we want to first acknowledge that most comments from caregivers and loved ones come from a place of deep care and concern. When someone you love is struggling, it’s natural to want to make it better-to offer comfort, reassurance, or a solution. It’s important to remember that recovery isn’t something you’re meant to fix on your own. Your role isn’t to have the perfect words or answers, but rather to show up with empathy, consistency, and support. By building awareness and learning helpful ways to respond, you can create a safer, more supportive environment that truly fosters healing.

What not to say to someone with an eating disorder

You aren’t fat! You look so healthy!

When supporting a loved one with an eating disorder, it’s natural to want to offer comfort. However, some phrases meant to reassure can inadvertently reinforce harmful beliefs and keep them stuck in their struggle.

For example, saying, “You aren’t fat,” may seem kind, but it perpetuates the underlying idea that being fat is undesirable or something to fear. This reinforces deeply rooted fatphobia and the societal stigma around body size, making it harder for your loved one to challenge the beliefs fueling their eating disorder.

Similarly, comments like “You look healthy” can also be misinterpreted. For someone with an eating disorder or distorted body image, “healthy” may not have the positive meaning you intend. It could even be triggering, as they may associate the term with unwanted changes in their body or feel invalidated in their struggles.

Moreover, it’s important to recognize that health cannot be determined by appearance alone. Bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and outward appearance does not reflect internal health or well-being.

The takeaway? Avoid making any comments about body size or appearance, even if they’re meant to be reassuring. Instead, focus on expressing support and empathy in ways that don’t center on physical appearance. A simple, “I’m here for you” or “How can I support you?” can be far more impactful and affirming.

You are so skinny! I wish I had your willpower. What’s your secret?

Okay, this is actually something you shouldn’t say to anyone, period.

This can be especially problematic to someone with an active eating disorder or those vulnerable to disordered eating, as it can be the validation their ED is seeking. To them, it says that their efforts are not only working, but that their underlying belief that being in a smaller body makes them more worthy, acceptable and interesting is true.

This kind of praise places emphasis on appearance being a source of value, reinforcing the idea that a smaller body is more valuable.

Why is there so much food disappearing from the kitchen?

You may notice that food has been disappearing at an alarming rate.

Calling attention to this, and targeting the person likely behind it, is only likely to fill that person with more shame, on top of the internal shame they are already experiencing.

Avoid confronting the person about it, as they likely already feel extremely embarrassed and are beating themselves up enough.

Instead, let your loved one know that you’re there to support them whenever they feel ready to share what they’re going through. By presenting yourself as a compassionate, nonjudgmental ally, you create a safe and reassuring space for them to open up about their struggles on their own terms. This simple yet powerful approach fosters trust and shows that you genuinely care about their well-being without placing any pressure on them.

Have you taken your meds/seen your therapist lately? 

This one can get tricky because it depends on how involved you are in this loved one’s care.

Sometimes, this well-meaning question can seem accusatory and put your loved one on the defense. This can create more distance between you and your loved one and make them feel more isolated in their recovery journey.

However, we understand that you may want to know about their current care. We encourage you to come at any questions with curiosity and compassion.

Maybe you should cut out [insert any food here]. Or… Why don’t you go on a diet?

Perhaps the person you know is binging on sugary foods. The root of binging is restriction, so this is their body’s survival mechanism, a biological response to the threat of scarcity and starvation. Suggesting they eliminate the foods they usually binge on will only make them feel guiltier and out of control around food. Not only this, but the person with an ED has likely tried many diets!

Dieting is the biggest predictor of an ED, so suggesting more rules and rigidity around food is only going to feed into the disorder, making them even more afraid of food and unable to trust themselves around it. You can’t diet your way to a better body image or relationship with food.

You would look so much better if you just ate [insert food here].

For someone with an ED, food is the enemy. However, there is so much that lies beneath the surface that makes something as seemingly simple as “eating [insert food here]” incredibly scary and difficult.

Additionally, this perpetuates their belief that what they eat has a direct impact on what their body looks like, which isn’t true.

Just stop binging!

If only it were that simple! More often than not, an ED has very little to do with food itself. They are a mental illness that often have co-morbidities such as body dissatisfaction, low self-esteem, perfectionistic traits, personality disorders, history of trauma, body dysmorphia and more. Boiling it down to eating is reductionist and unhelpful. Oftentimes, professional support and guidance, including a meal plan for structure, is helpful while working toward regulating eating patterns.

Why can’t you just eat?

Binging is not caused by a lack of willpower or self-control. In fact, it is often caused by trying to tightly control eating, leading to feeling restricted and deprived. If you’ve caught them in the middle of it, they are likely deeply ashamed and embarrassed. If you’ve caught them purging, their deepest secret has been revealed and they are probably overcome with shame.

No one chooses to have an eating disorder. It serves some kind of purpose- self-soothing technique, a coping strategy. They must develop the tools to cope in other ways, along with normalizing eating, before expecting those behaviors to disappear.

Isn’t that too much food?

First of all, commenting on anyone’s food choices is never a good idea. It’s likely to cause unnecessary food preoccupation and feeling self-conscious about food choices. A person with an ED is likely already hyper-aware of their food choices and feel that others are watching them eat. Commending on their food choices only affirms their fear that their eating is being observed and is on trial.

Just eat like I do, you’ll be fine!

While well-intended, this suggestion is not quite helpful. Someone with an ED is likely already aware that they don’t eat like others, and probably compare their intake and food choices to others on a regular basis. Avoid being their food police, as it is not your job to dictate what/when/how much they eat. They have to go throughout their own recovery process, follow their meal plan, and find it in themselves to work through it.

What to say instead:

• Are you okay? I can tell things are tough for you right now, is there anything I can do to support you?
• Do you want to talk? I’m here for you if you want to talk.
• No one is perfect, go easy on yourself.
• Would you like to see someone who can help you through this?
• I love you no matter what.

Overall, avoid being the food police, commenting on food choices, and swerve any and all conversation about body size, weight, shape, etc. We are conditioned to share a collective discontent over our bodies, and often bond over lamenting about body size. Do your best to avoid this kind of talk with your loved one, and instead support them, encourage them, and compliment them on things that have nothing to do with their outward appearance.

Begin working with a virtual nutritionist

We understand how challenging supporting a loved one through recovery can be. It can also feel like a daunting task to make sure you’re getting accurate nutrition information. Working with a virtual nutritionist can help make this task a little easier. To help you feel supported and informed, virtual nutritionists can provide one-on-one guidance to ensure you reach your health goals.

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